Period one is Geography with year 10. I sit next to Sulky because she hates it and it puts me near enough to Carnt B. Arsed who I’m supposed to be helping. If I get Sulky to smile during the lesson I award myself 5 Victory Points, 10 if she laughs.
Sulky begins with her customary muttering in Urdu. I’m familiar with most of it, my Urdu gets better every day, I smile at her and she retorts with ‘Mortah aloo!’ (fat potato). I quietly remind her that we don’t use the ‘F’ word around me. I decide her shocked realisation that I understood her is worth an extra Victory Point and begin my scoring tally.
During the course of the lesson she laughs twice, the teacher laughs once and Carnt B. Arsed does all his work. Not a bad start.
Period two is Science with Year 9. It’s sex ed. time again, always good for a laugh. I’m stuck with Johnny No-mates as my usual student isn’t in today. Bottom group Year 9 do lots of colouring in, some of it within the lines. Today they’re to draw a title page for sex education in their books. Johnny No-mates asks if he can draw a penis and I agree that that would be a good start.
He sits chewing his pencil for a while and then says:
‘I don’t know what one looks like.’
The lesson goes downhill from there and I’m glad when it’s over.
Break
As I head towards the Staffroom I meet Mad Max coming along the corridor with his blazer pulled up over his head. He is peering from its depths with one eye showing.
‘I know it’s you’ I remark.
‘Sir! Sir! He yelps, very excitedly, ‘What are those things with only one eye called? I’m being one of them.’
‘Oh, you’re being a penis Max’ I reply as I continue on my way. Sometimes the little tykes hand you an opportunity on a plate. This cheers me up so I tell all the staff in the staff room that Fat Matt Marlborough shags his dog and we all have a good laugh.
Period three is English with Year 11. We’re studying similes and some of the students are having problems. Everyone is handed a worksheet containing similes that need completing.
The rain clattered on the window like………
The Moon hung in the sky like…….
The sound of the train was as loud as…..
There are thirty to complete and it’s not going to happen. Luckily I’m here and I give some of them the secret of my all-purpose, never-doesn’t-fit, works-wherever-you-put-it magic simile.
Evil Clowns.
The rain clattered on the window like Evil Clowns.
The Moon hung in the sky like an Evil Clown
The sound of the train was as loud as Evil Clowns chuckling.
See? Perfect every time. Serenity is restored as they all get to work, racing to be the first to complete the worksheet. The English teacher’s going to have fun marking this one.
The English teacher in question is currently asking Fat Matt Marlborough how his dog is which elicits a howl of protest and an accusing finger waved in my direction. I smile and wave to Fat Matt Marlborough from the far side of the class. I can’t quite hear what he mutters but it’s not pleasant.
May 20, 2008 at 6:45 pm
The best comeback I had was a Billy Nomates struggling to get through a door. “This door is gay.” he said. Without missing a beat, I replied, “No, it awings both ways.” I was proud of that, my fastest one in 30 years as a teacher.